A bit of advice for step-fathers

[encryptedbytes]

As a child who's father left while I was pretty young and grew up with an abusive step-father, I'd like to offer you a little advice...

Don't think you're just going to assume the father's role as the authoritarian and don't think you are owed any respect. Your relationship is with your wife first and a relationship with her kids is not automatic.

Unless you develop a proper relationship with your wife's children and earn their love and respect, you run the risk of wholesale rejection by the children. Don't push yourself on them. You're not their father until they decide you are.

Please share our thoughts and experiences. I'd like to hear from people on both sides of the equation, step-fathers and children of step-fathers.

 

[kreso93]

I agree with this. I know a couple of guys whose fathers were authoritarian and they grew up pretty messed up. They were always scared that they'll do something wrong and get punished for that.

 

[encryptedbytes]

There certainly needs to be a certain amount of authority, but growing up in fear is no good. You need a healthy, organic relationship based on trust, respect, and love - not an iron fist.

I like to think of a father as part friend, part fan, part role model, and part boss. You need to be able to relate and encourage, but also demonstrate and govern.

 

[Lieutenant]

I agree with most of what you posted. The part that I do not is where a step father shouldn't be an authoriative figure. Weather a child accepts that man as the father, he still has a duty to run his household. I do not think he should use fear tactics on the kids but I also want to say that I don't support step fathers who make their step children call them dad and become their slaves in a way. I do like your perspective though and I'm glad you posted it. It will help many step-fathers on the site.

 

[encryptedbytes]

I agree with most of what you posted. The part that I do not is where a step father shouldn't be an authoriative figure. Weather a child accepts that man as the father, he still has a duty to run his household. I do not think he should use fear tactics on the kids but I also want to say that I don't support step fathers who make their step children call them dad and become their slaves in a way. I do like your perspective though and I'm glad you posted it. It will help many step-fathers on the site.

Oh, I agree, a father needs to be an authority figure, but I meant more as a responsible adult in charge, rather than "you do what I say because I am your father now".

A step-father, regardless of his relationship with his wife's children, deserves a certain amount of respect as an adult, custodian, and provider, but he doesn't automatically deserve the kind of respect a child has for a natural, loved parent. This kind of respect must be earned and to assume it is automatically owed is a mistake that could lead to a rift in the home.

 

[roncar]

Great adive given here. I, too, met my wife when her kids were young. Being that their father has never really been in their lives, they wanted to call me dad right away. I was fine with it, of course, and felt close to them right away, so I really love them calling me dad.

One thing my wife did while they were still young and after we got engaged was to sit them down for a talk. She actually told them that now that I was part of their family and would be their step-dad soon, she expected them to never say, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my father." She let them know that I was there for them for every important event for their lives because I loved them just as if they were my biological kids (or course, she used words they could understand at that time). I really appreciated that my wife did that. They are 21 and 18 now, and my girls have always been loving and respectful, so I really wouldn't expect them to say that to me anyway, but you never know. Maybe when I lay down the law a little to tough sometimes, they are cussing me out in their heads.

 

[Victor Leigh]

I have never been a stepchild nor have I had any stepchildren yet. So my view on this matter is purely theoretical. However I believe a stepfather should behave just like any other normal biological father. Being a father has very little to do with DNA.

 

[roncar]

Victor, I agree with you for the most part. It's just that when you come into a family, with older kids especially, it's difficult to just get in there and hand out the disipline. At the beginning of the marriage I think the wife should do the disiplining. Then once the kids accept you more, you can start handing it out as well.