Going Through Separation

[Hank]

Hi, I'm Hank and I found this place by accident. I am currently going through a separation with my wife and my kids are very, very angry with me. They don't see the problems we had and think things are all of my fault. I had a good reason for separating and trying to work things out with my wife but they just think I wanted to leave. I was the one who moved out so I guess this is their reason for blaming me. Has anyone else gone through this and can you tell me some things I can do to help the situation with my kids?

 

[R. Paradon]

Hi Hank!

The best thing you can do with you kids (depending on their age) is to tell them the truth. Let them know that it is not their fault and if possible have your wife talk with you and them at the same time. Kids are pretty smart and have big ears so they probably know the jist of the problems. Good luck and hope that things work out.

 

[Hank]

Thanks R. Paradon. It is amazing what you can find out the kids know. They know much more than we think they do. We are going to have to address these issues together I guess. I really didn't want to drag the kids into this, but reality is they are in the middle of it just as much as my wife and I are. Thanks.

 

[BigDaddy]

I agree, its best they hear both sides. If your wife is loading them with untruths or venting to people in front of them all they will know is mommy is upset and hurt.

 

[Hank]

Well they are a bit older than that, but they do know quite a bit of why things are going on. I was amazed my daughter had such insight into the problem but she actually sat down with me the other day and talked about things she had noticed before I had even found out anything was wrong. Evidently, "Mommy" had been buying large amounts of things that weren't necessary such as candles, purses, junk that she liked but didn't need multiples of. "Mommy" also was buying a lot of lottery tickets and hiding them from me and not paying bills.

 

[tommymac]

I think you need to be very careful in this sort of situation. Many people use a separation as a cruth. You sort of get to be divorced without really being divorced. It's a terrible limbo.

 

[mollew3]

Yeah I would be very careful with your situation. You dont know what your ex is telling the kids so tread softly when you talk to them. One of my buddies got divorced awhile ago and his kids resented him because his wife was telling them some bad stuff about him.

 

[Victor Leigh]

This is a very difficult time indeed. When I first broke up with the old lady, my children wouldn't talk to me. And they were all adults already. However, after a couple of years, they realized that there are two sides to every story and now I am accepted by my children again.

So in your case, don't be upset that your children are upset. See them as often as you can while you sort things out. You can talk to them, if you like, about the situation but I think it's best for the children to see for themselves.

 

[footballtim]

Here is what I would suggest. I would have an informal family meeting with your children. Leave it all on the table. You will have to tell them just about everything. Ask them what they would do in your situation. Lots of communication.

You also need to figure out each and every way you are going to help them through this and help them as they grow up even though you will not always be with them. Remember, you may be leaving, but they still need you.

 

[youngone]

Hi Hank, welcome to the forum.

I have separated from the mother of my son but he was too young to comprehend what was happening, he was 6 months-old. the reactions of your children are understandable but I'm sure they will learn to forgive you when you explain the situation to them. Communication is the key.

 

[NoRisk]

In my experiance it's usually the person who leaves that the children originally blame. I think unless they are too young to even understand the best thing to do would be to try and have a chat and explain that you still love them and things will be alright.