My step-son got an in school suspension for cussing at school last week. Today, his mother got a call from the school. Yesterday was his last day at ALC (in school suspension, and he has already got another in school suspension for cussing. His mother is beside herself and doesn't know what to do. I know she is leaning on me for support. I think he needs a severe punishment, but I know it is hard for her to do that. At the same time I am worried about handing out and enforcing a hard punishment because I am the "Step-Dad", not the "Real-Dad". His real dad abandoned them years ago and I know there are still problems because of that. How do you think I should handle this situation?
How do I handle this situation?
- Thread starter Scooter
- Start date
Lieutenant
New Member
Scooter this is definitely a touch spot to be in. As a law enforcement officer I will give you some advice from both a father and a cop. I would remove the thought from your head that your only the step-dad. Your there for that child and you do the best you can, which makes you a real dad. As a father I am not sure how much a punishment would do since the schools punishments aren't working. Have you ever tried sitting down and talking with him? Just say you want to talk man to man and figure out what makes him want to cuss at school. Maybe he is just angry about his father and needs someone to talk to. Now as a cop I would suggest contacting the county where you live. The school should have the information but they can get you set up with a behavioral counselor at little to no cost. This again gives him someone to talk to but is a more stern approach. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work it out. Remember your that child's father, stop worrying about only being a "step."
His mother is usually the one who sits down and talks to him about it. I usually try to reinforce what she said after she's done talking to him. His mother called a counselor today. He has an appointment on April 5th. When she told our son he was happy about it. I really hope this helps.
Lieutenant
New Member
I hope so too man. I understand how frustrating it can be as a parent that is trying to help a child and nothing seems to work. But I'm glad you have a counselor set up and that the child is interested. The child has to want to get better for it to happen. Just make sure you stay supportive of him and things will work out. 
agoodwriter
New Member
As you are step-dad you can't never try to be he's real dad if the boy doesn't feel it that way. You need to give him some punishment that's fact.
Victor Leigh
New Member
You are, for all practical purposes, the father now. Like the others had said, forget about not being the biological father. Do what you have to do and hope for the best.
The way I see it is this you are the only father in the picture so that makes you the father...biological or not. Now it is your responsibility to help the boy grow into a man. If that takes a firm hand and he hates you for now then so be it. That option is much better than him getting involved with a gang at school or into some kind of criminal mischief where the parenting is completely taken away from you and your wife because he ends up in juvie.
You might want to talk to him first before you hand out a punishment. If you are already close to him then a punishment will go smoothly but if you are thinking of punishing him without having built a strong relationship with him then you'll just be ignored or even worse your son will question your every move. You might want to go out with him more and find a hobby you can share with him. Then you can ask him what the cussing is about while doing going out with him. This way you don't put the question on the spot and he wouldn't suspect it or hesitate when you give an advise.
Since his real dad is out of the picture than you need to step up and take that role. You need to hand down punishment and show him that you care for him as if you were his real dad. I think most step fathers are afraid of overstepping a boundary when it comes to punishing step kids. However since the biological father is nowhere to be found I feel that boundary does not exist.
Scooter, something I was once told - 'Any man can be a father, only a real man can be a dad.' You might not be his biological father but it sounds like you're doing more for him than his 'real dad' is.
It would be nice to know the outcome of this as I'm sure there are other dads in the same situation.
It would be nice to know the outcome of this as I'm sure there are other dads in the same situation.
I too want to see how this turns out. If he was happy about going to counseling, maybe he has some issues he needs to work through, perhaps with his biological father for abandoning him.
If you're looking to punish him severely, take away his electronics. That seems to drive them insane these days.
If you're looking to punish him severely, take away his electronics. That seems to drive them insane these days.
It really depends on the relationship you have with him, too. Is he resentful you married his mom, or do the two of you get along pretty well? Of course, he'll listen to you more if the two of you have a good relationship, and I think you can be the one to give out the punishment in this case. On the flip side, if you don't yet have a close relationship with him and you come down too hard, it'll just push him farther away from you. But you don't want to be his door mat either. I'd still have a talk with him, but his mother should be the one handing out the punishments until the two of you can bond more.