Long distance parenting

[Foster]

Hi,

I thought I would come and ask everyone's opinion on the subject. My oldest son (5) lives with his mum and a year ago they moved 200 miles away to where she is originally from. I phone him twice a week without fail and see him once a month when she brings him up when she comes to see her new partners family.

Recently he has started to misbehave quite a lot and she is getting to a point where she can't cope. When he pushes her this far she phones me to speak to him and tell him off. Is this the right thing to do or should it be a case of he is with her it is her job to discipline?

Foster

 

[erin]

She is passing the buck to you but when it comes to sons sometimes they just respond better to a male voice telling him what to do. It's possible he respects you a lot more than he does her because she is doing the day to day disciplining. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as that is not the bulk of your dealings with him.

 

[writer811]

No, it's not so bad if you have to do it once or twice but I wouldn't make a habit out of it. If you see and speak to him so little, there's a risk that disciplining him or telling him off will become the majority of your interactions with him and that's bad for everyone involved.

 

[Foster]

I have had 3 phone calls in the last 5 days due to his behavior. However these were additions to my usually phone calls. He still got the phone call he expects from me and we talked about everyday stuff as normal.

 

[taskeinc]

How is your son responding to you when you speak with him about discipline issues? Also, if the option is available to you, I would try to have my son to live with me. More than likely you don't have that option, but if you do, TAKE IT! Otherwise you're going to have your hands full because it kinda sounds like your son doesn't respect his mom and probably doesn't have a good deal of respect for you.

He loves you and his mom, that's not the issue, but he is probably acting out due to the situation he finds himself in. He figures, his mom is not going to do anything; her new man better not say anything to him; and dad's not close enough to do anything to me. He also figures, he can give you a couple of "I love you dad", and "I'll work on that dad".. sound sincere enough to keep you at bay.

I could be wrong about all of this but the way I see it, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'd sit down with my son, his mom, face to face, and we would all talk about how this behavior is going to stop and why.

No threats, no punishments, but the behavior has to stop and these are the reasons why:

"Son, you could end up breaking the law, poor behavior has a way of blowing up in your face, you're making your mom look bad, you're making me look bad, and you're making yourself look bad. We will continue to have these meetings son, until you get it! We're not upset, we're not mad, we love you. Sorry we can't all live together, but that's life, now it's time for all of us to make the necessary adjustments before one of us finds himself in a world of trouble. Not in trouble with me or your mom, we're on your side, but you could find yourself standing before a judge who is about to decide your future for the next 5-20 years. This is where your deleterious behavior is leading you if you do not correct it."

This is the conversation I would have with my son if we were in a similar predicament.

 

[ghanashyam]

Apparently, your child is emotionally disturbed, they behave like this even when they are with their biological parents undivided. May be your sons wants to stay with you or he is missing you a lot. These are not so ordinary in my country. It is very sad.Keep in touch with your son, he needs you rather than his new father.

 

[Foster]

@taskeinc When my son comes to stay with me, my wife and our sons his behavior is completely different. He does as he is told and doesn't need to be punished, we may get a little cheek but he is 5 so we tell him it's not acceptable and leave it at that. Also if I could have him living with me I would without question.

 

[ProForums777]

Long distance parenting is the worst. Kids are smart, they know that you can't do anything to them unless you are present. These days kids learn so many tricks from TV that, the 10 minutes you spend over the phone parenting means nothing compared to the countless bad behavior shows or adult content that they may be watching on the internet.

 

[footballtim]

That is a tough spot to be in. A boy needs a father to be there. I know this sounds unrealistic, but you may want to talk to him even more often just to talk. If the only time you talk to him is twice a week, or to chew him out, then realistically he is growing up without having a father there for him. He may not want you to call every day, but you may want to try to get close to that.

You say that you only see him once a month, and that is when they come to you. Is there any way you can go there at least twice a month? The more the better to make sure he is constantly reminded that he has a father who loves him.

 

[Foster]

Unfortunately going to see him is not an option, neither me nor my wife drive and public transport would cost £80 each that would be £160 for the whole family to go to see him for 1 day. Throw in with that the hours I work and how difficult it is to get time off.

 

[youngone]

I think your son is misbehaving because he is not happy with the current living arrangements. His behaviour improves when he is with you so maybe the best solution is for him to live with you. Would his mother be willing to let him live with you? It seems like it would be best for all parties...

 

[Foster]

There is no way his mother would let him live with me. I think if I even suggested it she would stop him coming to see me at all.

 

[Jatelo2]

I think you and the mother of your kid need to have a hard talk concerning the parenting of this kid! What you are currently doing might turn out to yield very undesirable results on the psychology of the kid.

 

[mollew3]

I agree with the guy who said that boys listen to a male authority figure. Sometimes I have to discipline my son because he wont listen to my wife on certain things. Thats when I have to step in and let him know that he needs straighten up. If my wife is somewhere with him and he's not listening, she usually calls me to talk to him so I dont think your situation is uncommon.

 

[youngone]

You should use Skype, it is excellent for long-term relationships. You can see your son on the webcam and talk to him live. I talk to my son on Skype and he loves it, I think he would rather talk on Skype than in person because it's 'cool' and 'fun'.