Overdoing the presents.

stewy

New Member
I've been separated from my wife for a while now, and regularly take my daughters out at the weekend. I find myself buying them more and more stuff, and my ex is complaining that I'm overdoing the presents to make myself look better to the kids. I don't think I am. Would you stop?
 

Victor

New Member
I'm sure that's not your conscious intention, but you need to ask yourself why you are buying them more and more gifts. Based on what you've written, I'd dial it back some.
 

BigPapa

New Member
I would seriously consider where your ex-wife stands on the issue. Why are you buying them so much stuff? Is it stuff they need it or are you doing it out of guilt because you can't be with them all the time?
 

stewy

New Member
I have thought about it and, although I give her regular maintenance payments, my ex is going through a hard time financially at the moment. I think I'm afraid that my kids may be missing out on stuff that they don't necessarily need, but are accustomed to having. Maybe I'll cool it a little though.
 

polamalu43

New Member
Did you buy them as much when you were together? Are the gifts things they need? It is your choice if you want to continue to buy them or not. I say if you are paying child support and still buying things there is not a problem.
 

Andersson

New Member
Is it a need or is it a want? Or could it be neither of the two. If she is noticing it and so are you then there is some common ground that you both see, figure out why it happens and adjust to a more reasonable level.
 

Zimmer

New Member
You might be trying to compensate for the fact that you are not there all the time. While I'm all for giving your kids everything they need, spoiling them is never a good idea.
 

Sinbian

New Member
I try not to overdo presents because I don't want to spoil my kids. People often make this mistake and then wonder what went wrong.
 

Victor

New Member
I have thought about it and, although I give her regular maintenance payments, my ex is going through a hard time financially at the moment. I think I'm afraid that my kids may be missing out on stuff that they don't necessarily need, but are accustomed to having. Maybe I'll cool it a little though.
This is understandable, but I can see why it bothers your wife. She probably feels guilty that she can't provide at the level she used to and you buying the gifts would make it worse.

Your kids will be fine. They may not get as much stuff as they used to, but it won't kill them and it would be good for them to learn that sometimes you have to cut back.
 

Salazar

New Member
I agree that cutting back a little might be the answer. If they're spending every weekend with you and you're shopping every time, that's a lot of stuff. Maybe designate one weekend a month as a time to go out and let them get a few things.
 

Andersson

New Member
Buying "stuff" will not make up for lost time, I have been there, done that and learned from my own mistakes. Being "there" for them is more important than anything you could ever buy them anyways (except maybe a brand new car when they are ready to drive). Seriously though, talk with them, play with them, spend time with them being able to confide in you - that is what they will remember and cherish the most.
 

popsmcnitt

New Member
I would not stop buying the presents, original poster. Kids don't have their own money so they really appreciate any sort of gift. I remember the thrill that I felt when my parents bought me anything as a kid. It means the world to them. I buy my son all sorts of gifts because material items are very significant to children and adolescents. They have a lot of free time and they need things to play with during that time.
 

Timeless

New Member
My daughter has a friend whose parents do the same thing and they are divorced. My daughter is old enough to understand that this is not a normal thing. They each have disposable money so they don't realize what they are doing. That child could grow up thinking that she can have whatever she wants when she wants it. That's not how life works.
 

popsmcnitt

New Member
My daughter has a friend whose parents do the same thing and they are divorced. My daughter is old enough to understand that this is not a normal thing. They each have disposable money so they don't realize what they are doing. That child could grow up thinking that she can have whatever she wants when she wants it. That's not how life works.
Well it does work that way if your parents are wealthy. Who is to say that they'll ever stop spoiling her? I know plenty of young women who still rely on their parents for shopping money, rent and food. I feel like young men are more independent sometimes. I don't expect to be spoiling my son in a few years when he is able to legally work a part-time job. That's when he will have to start buying his own things.
 

Bear

New Member
I think that it would probably be very easy to get caught up in giving them "things" because you feel badly that they aren't able to spend more time with you. I think the poster who said to maybe cut it back to once a month has the right idea.
 

yabadoo

New Member
I don't go overboard on the presents because I don't want to be loved for my money. I want to be judged based on my devotion, work ethic, ability to love and my sense of family responsibility. That all comes before the gifts.
 
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