I hear what you are saying. My friend, who is a child therapist, says kids know themselves the best so when it's reasonable, let them take the lead. It's been easier for my wife than for me but I keep trying.I try to respect and follow my children's leads without driving myself crazy. They are very young so it's too soon to say how it's working out.
Any chance there's some separation anxiety with the child? That can cause problems that have nothing to do with you. A visit to a mental health professional can help diagnose a problem if one exists.We have one child who is an adopted Russian orphan. He is our toughest challenge, and I think he will continue to be as time passes. Sometimes his little personality is just not one that you can cozy up to. Whether we've fostered that, or whether it's something that has grown out of his former life, we don't know. We pray a lot.