I was watching a Lisa Ling investigative story on TV last night about arranged marriages in the United States. I guess I didn't realize it was so prevalent. They showed a Muslim couple, a Hasedic Jewish couple and a Christian couple. It was interesting to see the relationship dynamic in people who married virtual strangers. Would you ever agree to an arranged marriage where your parents picked your spouse?
Arranged marriages
- Thread starter BigPapa
- Start date
I was offered, sort of jokingly, and sort of not jokingly by friends who came from India to allow a pre-arranged marriage. I'm not sure if it is a cultural thing or not, but they say pre-arranged marriages have a lower divorce rate. Divorce rates in India are bellow 5% where American divorce rates are close to 50%.
Victor Leigh
New Member
I don't think happiness is very much in the picture of arranged marriages. It's more like a sense of duty. Like the Chinese used to say, "Someone brought us up, so now it's our turn to bring someone up". So a marriage in such a situation is viewed more as a means of bringing forth the next generation. Which, generally speaking, is a better basis for marriage than, say, viewing marriage as a means to have sex.
That is why I'm not sure if it is a cultural thing. But then again, I remember many years ago standing in line. Three females ahead of me were talking. One of them was getting married. And I was taken back when she said that her soon to be husband would make a great first husband. Sadly, in America, marriage has become more of a joke.
My friends parents were arranged, and they are very happy together.
flfsurveyor
New Member
Please help me out here -- in arranged marriages, do the parties have the option to opt-out if they don't want to the partner chosen for them? Or do they just meet for the first time in their life and then leave the room married?
Flf, there is no opt out clause for the bride and groom from what I understand. The parents will take in to consideration their feelings but they aren't a deal breaker so to speak.
Bear apparently Christian sub-cultures practice this and it started in this country about 2 decades ago. This is the one I found the most amazing. It started in the strict Christian homeschooling groups as a solution to secular dating.
I don't personally know anyone that has an arranged marriage but I find the concept interesting. It would be fun to do some research into why the divorce rates are lower.
Bear apparently Christian sub-cultures practice this and it started in this country about 2 decades ago. This is the one I found the most amazing. It started in the strict Christian homeschooling groups as a solution to secular dating.
I don't personally know anyone that has an arranged marriage but I find the concept interesting. It would be fun to do some research into why the divorce rates are lower.
You're right BigPapa, if you're in an arranged marriage, you don't have a choice but to endure it "so long as you both shall live." I know a lot of people -mostly Chinese and Indians- who have arranged marriages. Surprisingly, I haven't heard any of them break up (yet?). For my Chinese friends, arranged marriages are normal to secure the future of their respective family's businesses. For the Indians, it's more on marrying into the same caste. Personally, I think people should have a choice who they want to end up with.
Victor Leigh
New Member
On a personal level, I agree that people should have a choice about their life partner. However, it has to be considered in the broader picture.
The main question is whether the individual or the family is of paramount importance. In a society where the needs of the family are put ahead of the needs of the individual, there is a lot more room for growth, in all spheres like business and influence.
In a society where the needs of the individual overshadows the needs of the family, there is a tendency for the family unit to break down and in breaking down leads to the breakdown of the society itself.
I think it's a good point, that arranged marriages aren't based on being happy in the first place. It's about doing what you're told to do. Thus, you keep doing what you're told, and don't get a divorce.
Whereas, a regular marriage, is based on both people finding happiness. So, it makes sense that the divorce rate would be higher. If people don't get what they want, they aren't going to stick around and suffer. It's better to leave, and find somebody who you will truly be happy with, rather than suffer your life with the same person who you don't want to be around.
Whereas, a regular marriage, is based on both people finding happiness. So, it makes sense that the divorce rate would be higher. If people don't get what they want, they aren't going to stick around and suffer. It's better to leave, and find somebody who you will truly be happy with, rather than suffer your life with the same person who you don't want to be around.
flfsurveyor
New Member
OK, now i understand. Granting the the divorce rates are low and that the arranged parties remain married. But has anyone looked into the incidence of infidelity? Won't either party seek the happiness they want elsewhere? So, legally, they stay married to safeguard the family's business and class interests yet each may have someone on the side. Just a though.
Victor Leigh
New Member
I think the incidence of infidelity in arranged marriages cannot be higher than that in love marriages. Basically it's because arranged marriages exist in a much more controlled social structure, so the opportunities for infidelity are few and the penalties of infidelity are high.
I can't entertain the thought of marrying a complete strange in an attempt to please parents or meet some religious rituals. With all due respect to parenting and faith including the associated advice, I believe that one is supposed to be allowed to make the decision. Theirs should be more-or-less a guidance role not to decide. And to imagine that there is a girl out there who would come to my house as a 'product' is unacceptable to me. No to arranged marriages!
Victor Leigh
New Member
I think it all boils down to what you define as the role of a marriage. If marriage is a means for two persons to live together for their own personal happiness and pleasure, then an arranged marriage would not fit the bill. If a marriage is considered as a means to continue the family line in the best possible way, then an arranged marriage is ideal.
For one, an arranged marriage removes the question of courtship. Courtship can be a costly affair and the results are not guaranteed. Also, an arranged marriage does not put the bride into the role of a product. She is a living human being taking part in a time-honored tradition, fully aware of her role and responsibilities. Same goes for the groom. Altogether, there is much less hit and miss in arranged marriages.
Nope, marriage is about love. Love can not be arranged. You can't be forced to love and trust another individual just because your parents thought the two of you should get married. It's a lifetime relationship. I'm sure some work out, but then again I'd love to know the divorce rate for arranged marriages.
I get that it is tradition, and that it is not forced, but to decide that I would spend the rest of my life with a person like that, seems cold, and loveless. I'm sure, over time, you would develop a type of love for the person, but you'll never have that true, firey, passionate love.
It seems more like a business relationship. "OK, let's shake hands, and agree on this marriage arrangement. It's sounds mutually beneficial, so let's agree to be together forever." That is just cold, and lifeless to me. I would hate to be stuck in a tradition like that.
It seems more like a business relationship. "OK, let's shake hands, and agree on this marriage arrangement. It's sounds mutually beneficial, so let's agree to be together forever." That is just cold, and lifeless to me. I would hate to be stuck in a tradition like that.
I couldn't do it to my kids unless it was by mutual consent of them and the intended partners (i.e. they actually want to marry). I just think; "Would I have wanted this for myself?" and the answer is no. I would not consent to a marriage arranged for me and I wouldn't agree to one for my kids. Parents shouldn't have that much control over their kid's lives (Or any control once they are old enough to make a life of their own).