Calling all step-dads

[OrionH]

My best friend is a step dad. He has no kids of his own and this is his first marriage. He became a step dad at 52 years old kids are 6, 10 and 12. He has been a step dad for 3 years now yet feels in total shock about parenting. A lot of the stuff he complains about is just part of being a dad.

For example, his house is not as clean as he would like, the kids aren't as well behaved as he would expect, there is too much to do, they always seem busy, he doesn't get enough time with his wife and so on. I usually just say, welcome to the club when he complains. The thing is that he then rejects that response like he is the only one suffering or experiencing those things.

Is there any other step dads out there who do not have kids of their own who can help me figure out what to say to him. I think he is going to lose his wife if he doesn't accept the roles of fatherhood.

 

[Independent]

There probably isn't anything you can say to him. Just be his friend. There are some people who just do not want to be, or were never meant to be dads, and that is OK. Perhaps he just became a dad too late in life to really understand it.

 

[Blake]

It sounds to me like he really didn't want the kids, he wanted the wife, and they came with her as a package deal so he thought he could deal with it. Some people aren't the kind of people to have kids and that's fine, but he isn't dealing with anything new or specific to him. Many bio dads feel the same way sometimes, especially if they didn't want kids to begin with. It sounds like he could use some more of his own space, maybe an office at home or something.

 

[OrionH]

I think you might be right Blake. It is almost as if he resents the kids for keeping his wife so busy. He has an office at home, no strike that he has two. One in the basement and one in an out building he has. He is not home much, gone about 12 hours a day, but doesn't work that many. He tends to get home right when the kids are going to bed, so they almost never see him. I know his wife is feeling conflicted. I suppose I should just stay out of it. Your right, he is not so special that this is all reserved to him. He will either chose to be a dad or he won't.

 

[stayathomepaul]

Do you know why he never had kids of his own or why he never married until his 50s? It would seem to me that he might have some habits that are hard to break. I find that becoming a dad teaches you many important things about life. Things he never had to learn. The question is, is it too late to learn them?